Depression is a real thing that has impacted not only my life, but the lives of many that I love. My youngest daughter let me know that I am not transparent enough online – I tend to show the things that bring me joy, like shining a flashlight in the darkness to find the points of delight. So, given recent events in the greater Body, I decided to discuss a bit of my journey through … and with… depression.
My first major depression occurred during my senior year of high school. We moved from the place I’d always lived to a new (and smaller) town. It turns out that I like stability, and transition isn’t my favorite thing. Within weeks I was spinning down. I fantasized about taking my life. I spoke to my friends about it…one eventually mentioned it to my mom, but not before God had already intervened. It was one of the first times that I remember God speaking to me when I wasn’t necessarily trying to converse with Him. It was after school. My sister was in sports, so still at school, and both of my parents were at work. I was alone in the house and I decided it was time to stop my life. I stood in the kitchen, contemplating the best approach to end my existence (my only concern was to make sure I was gone before my mom got home because I didn’t want to deal with the overload it would cause). God spoke very clearly to me. He said “what do you want to be in 10 years?” I had an answer for Him. I don’t remember the answer, but it had to do with helping people. He then said very clearly, “you won’t be anything if you keep this up.”
It turns out that one of the best ways to combat depression is to take a long-term view – kind of like looking at the sunrise on a cloudy day. You can see the clouds if you look up, but typically, the sunrise and sunsets are truly beautiful – they bring hope. When you lift your head enough to see the horizon, you can also notice that there are peaks and valleys – and depression is a valley, but when you are in a valley, it means that you also have a peak ahead…somewhere.
I had several other bouts with depression in the next few years, and discovered that exercise, eating well, and engaging in a hobby help a lot for minor episodes. (I baked a lot of bread in college, researched entrepreneur opportunities in our early years of marriage and delved into photography at a later transition.)
Then I gave birth to my oldest child. Not only was I hit with my usual transition depression, but I experienced pretty awful post-partum depression. This time a friend told me that I should join this “women’s group” that turned out to be an SIA group (12-step based for survivors of assault). This group gave me tools. It taught me that I have a parent part of my brain that regardless of what I am feeling, can make decisions for my betterment. They also taught me to pick up the phone and talk. Most importantly, the 12-steps helped me break through the distance between me and God and I realized how much He loves us individually – not just accidentally as part of the “whole world.”
When I experienced similar depression after the next two births, I learned that when I couldn’t move (my particular form of depression doesn’t go manic, it just freezes and sinks), I needed to pick up the phone and call someone. I once called the sister of an old friend because no one I knew was home – she never knew how much that surface conversation out of nowhere (we never talked much, before or since) meant to me. I’ve used this skill often. I learned over time to even tell some trusted people “I can’t move.” I have one friend who, when hearing those words, has dropped everything to sit with me (either in person or via video conference) until I started moving again.
There was a time (you can imagine with 4 small children) that I felt like every part of life was out of control. God used a song and started teaching me the power of worship. I found the song “God is in Control” by Twila Paris and literally danced to the song several times a day until the knowledge in my head moved to my heart and I began to really learn to lean on God for stability.
You’ll notice that David used this format in the Psalms – he talked to himself and taught himself, reminding himself who God is and uses that parent-brain to instruct his mind on what to do in the midst of the waves of life, much like this:
Kristene DiMarco – It Is Well (Live)
Today, thanks to age I think, I don’t seem to take those deep dives like I once did. However, I am also a lot healthier – I have friends that I meet with weekly – people who know my heart and ask me the tough questions. I have learned to be real with God and not try to carry my concerns myself, but to lay them at His feet for Him to take care of. I have learned that my feelings are normal – the good, the bad and the ugly – everybody feels them at some point, and I don’t have to hide them (or hide from them in my case).
Most importantly, I learned that God isn’t surprised and that He gets it. He doesn’t wait for me on the mountain tops but instead is sometimes closest in the valleys. When I can’t find my footing, He is right there, helping me. When I trust Him, He lifts me up.
I have a young friend on Facebook who recently posted something like “I wish my brain would make some serotonin.” I SO get those days. And really, that’s what it is – taking a hit, whether it is a life disappointment, a betrayal, or just a transition, is hard on our poor brains. They sometimes have trouble keeping up. God won’t desert us, and it helps if we vocalize our thoughts to others. (It might freak some people out, so I recommend having a professional to lean on AND having a group of mature friends to lean into, along with authentic worship sessions.)
Recently, I felt some of that old freezing coming on. I realized that I hadn’t had a time of authentic worship in a long time. For me, authentic worship is when I dump my heart at God – not deciding what I should be feeling and worshipping from there, but just telling Him what I’m feeling, accompanied by songs that speak Truth. These songs do the David thing – instructing my soul. For me, right now, the first few songs on Bethel’s album Victory take me to that spot almost immediately. Here is the song that led me to the album:
Ain’t No Grave (LIVE) – Bethel Music | VICTORY
When she sings “if you walked out of the grave, I’m walking too” the picture in my head was that I was literally strapped to a 1,000-pound rock by the feelings and every time I sang those words I saw another strap snapping – I was being freed from my problems. The problems weren’t going away, they were just not defining me – they weren’t causing me to be strapped to a 1,000-pound rock. By the end of the song, I was walking and even dancing in the Spirit – because no matter how deep life feels sometimes, we have a Savior who identifies. He knows what it is like to be at the bottom and He knows the way out.
What do you do when you are sinking to the bottom of life? What healthy practices have you found to be helpful?
See Also: Storms of life and Healing Grief
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